What many people fail to recognise is the profound psychological transformation that accompanies motherhood. This transformation is known as matrescence, and understanding it is essential for every mother’s well-being. I had no idea about the transformation I was about to go through as a person. I had always wanted to be a mother, I was so excited and motherhood came quite naturally to me. What I didn’t think about or envision was the profound effect it had on almost every aspect of my life. When a friend of mine told me about matrescene I had already been through a journey of re- defining who I was now. What did my life look like personally and professionally now I had 3 little kids in tow, what are my priorities, what do I want for my life now- everything had shifted and I needed to really re- evaluate my life.

Defining Matrescence:

Matrescence is a term that describes the psychological journey a woman undergoes when she becomes a mother. Just as adolescence marks the transition from childhood to adulthood, matrescence signifies the shift from womanhood to motherhood. It encompasses a wide range of changes, including shifts in identity, priorities, and emotions. These are huge shifts for women and some cope with it better than others, but all mothers will experience a change in themselves as they transitioned into motherhood.

Understanding the Challenges: Matrescence brings with it a unique set of challenges. As mothers navigate this transformative journey, they may experience feelings of isolation, uncertainty, and overwhelm. The pressure to meet societal expectations that we are frequently faced with during late night scrolls on social media further exacerbate these challenges, leaving many mothers feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. There is a huge amount of false portrayal of motherhood on social media and for those who are struggling with this transition it can seriously affect them. When we return to work this transition is highlighted again. What does my career look like now, is work still a priority? Can I still do my role to the best of my ability? Can I thrive in my career and still be a great mother? It is so overwhelming, and there is often very little support offered.

Impact on Mental Health: The psychological changes associated with matrescence can have a significant impact on maternal mental health. Many mothers struggle with feelings of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt during this period. Without a clear understanding of matrescence, these challenges can go unrecognised and untreated, leading to long term struggles that not only affect the mother but will also affect the whole family. When we understand this transition is provides a reason for these feelings, an explanation that many mothers long for. It removes any stigma’s associated with feeling inadequate, depressed or overwhelmed- it’s an enormous change, so understanding this can help mothers to cut themselves some slack. It doesn’t make you a bad mother, or a terrible person- it makes you a human that is going through a massive transition psychologically, emotionally and physically and you need a bit of extra support as you go through it.

Support Systems: Building strong support systems is crucial for mothers during matrescence. After I had my twins I found the transition HARD. I went to playgroup on a Thursday morning with friends and it was honestly what kept me together. They were my greatest support during that time and they have no idea just how much they saved me in that first year. Other mothers, friends and family can offer empathy, understanding and advice! I am an open book with my friends about challenges with myself and my children, and its amazing how many others are experiencing exactly the same.

Professional support, therapy, counselling and doing personal development can also help a huge amount. Understanding who this new version of you is may require some professional support. It can assist with the changes that occur to your thoughts and behaviours and enables you to adapt to the new demands in your life.

Empowerment Through Knowledge and Mindset: I have to add this in of course as it is the exact process that has completely changed my life as a mother. As I have mentioned (and if you read my other blogs you will know) I struggled after the twins. I completely lost of identity, who I was, what life now looked like, how I could have a career and be a hands on mother and I set of on a journey to rediscover myself and rebuild a new and better version of my previous self. Understanding yourself allows you to approach matrescence with resilience, optimism and with a motivation to love the new you. Working on our mindset can have a profound impact on this transition and can make this change a hell of a lot easier.

Matrescence is a transformative journey that every mother must navigate. By understanding and acknowledging this process it equips you with the expectation of what you may be faced with when you become a mother. I wish I had known what matrescence was before I had become a mother, and that I had known about it when I was going through a tough time going from one to three children. If you have faced some of the challenges I have outlined during your transition into motherhood, I provide several programs that can help to support you and redefine what life looks like now. I also work with organisations to provide support for their employees that are juggling a career and being an incredible parent. If you are a mother, know that any thoughts or feelings that have challenged you as you have transitioned into motherhood is simply the transition from womanhood to motherhood. You are incredible, you may just need some help identifying the “new you”.

“But I don’t have enough time”:

Despite the common complaint of not having enough time, the reality is that we all have the same 24 hours in a day. So why do some parents seem to effortlessly manage their responsibilities while others constantly feel overwhelmed? When we become parents, the way we previously worked and lived may not be suitable anymore. For example, when we return to work, if we have to do picks ups and drop offs, cook dinner, do bath and bed, we need to think about how we work in the day and be much more effective with our time. We can’t just stay an hour later because we went for a long lunch, or finish all our deadlines in 3 days going for several coffee breaks and having regular chats with our colleagues. The way we operate must change.

Prioritisation Matters:

When we claim we don’t have enough time for something, what we’re often saying is that it’s not high enough on our list of priorities. As working parents, our attention is constantly pulled in multiple directions, forcing us to make tough decisions about where to allocate our limited time and energy.

Assessing what is important to you, and what aligns with your goals personally and professionally can make a huge difference in making decisions around what you want to do and what you doesn’t suit you. When you’re making decisions, you should always check in to see what aligns with your goals to help you to stay on track and focused.

Identifying what you want:

In order to make decisions about what to invest your precious time in- you need to know what you want. Setting clear goals about what you want and need personally and professionally is a great task to do. If you have no idea what your goals are yet- I have a FREE guide that you can access HERE that will really help you to map this out.

When you identify what it is that you want, you need to then start prioritising yourself too. I know this can be hard for lots of parents but being the best version of yourself and following your own hopes and dreams is the best thing you can do for your children but that’s a while different blog post!

The Importance of Boundaries:

One of the biggest challenges for parents is setting boundaries between work and family life. With technology blurring the lines between professional and personal time, it’s easy to feel like we’re always “on” and that we don’t have any time to spare.

Establishing clear boundaries, such as designated work hours and dedicated family time, can help us reclaim control over our schedules and ensure that we’re prioritising both our careers and our families. When we make these boundaries clear not only can you be a lot more productive at work, but you will also notice a huge increase in your families happiness when you spend some quality time together.

As a parent we are undoubtably time poor. What we need to do is identify exactly what is important to us and why. If you fear investing in yourself ask yourself why? Is it because you just don’t want to change anything or is it that you don’t feel like you should be prioritising yourself?

The struggle to balance our various responsibilities is an ongoing challenge. However, by reframing our mindset around time management and prioritisation and understanding exactly what we want, we can begin to reclaim control over our schedules and focus on the things that truly matter. So the next time you find yourself saying, “I don’t have enough time,” ask yourself whether it’s truly a matter of time or a question of priorities.

The way we think, behave and act is very much determined by our belief system and the environment we were raised in ourselves. Our paradigms and belief systems are created by our parents, their parents and those that we were surrounded by when growing up.

So how often do you think about what it is that you are passing on to your own Children? Do you ever reflect on how you were raised and think, I want to do that differently? It’s great to make changes and evolve as society does, but being consciously aware of how we change those behaviours isn’t as easy as we think.

What to think about around Children:

1. Do you want your children to be risk takers?

Do you ever find yourself shouting “Careful Careful Careful” at you children? As a mother of 3 with two of them being very adventurous 3-year-old twins, I want to shout out “be careful” approximately every 30 seconds. Now, I obviously just want my children to be safe and to not hurt themselves or others, but in reality, I am creating a paradigm around them taking risks.

If they are constantly being told to be careful (or similar), they are likely to grow up being cautious, risk adverse and have a fear of pushing themselves. If I bite my tongue, close my eyes, and try to look away in hope that they are okay when I look back, I am allowing them to take risks, learn by experience and push themselves out of their comfort Zone. There is no right or wrong with this, ideally, we want a balance of them both. Being mindful of when and how we use boundaries and caution with our children can really shape the way they live their lives, try to be selective when you feel it may be okay for them to take a bit of a risk, and when you know that situation is dangerous, and they need to learn boundaries.

• Hold on- I’m not sure if we should talk about this….

Try to be mindful of what you are communicating around your children, this is important across all topics, but I will use money as an example. In a world where everyone seems to be struggling with inflation and the rising of costs in everyday expenses, think about what you are talking about and saying to your children. If we are frequently saying “That’s way to expensive, we can’t afford it, we are broke, we could never have that, it costs too much” you are creating a limited money paradigm in your children. As they grow up, you are at risk of them being overly conscious about money, having a boundary around their self-worth and this is likely to have one of 2 outcomes. It could limit their own earnings as they get older, and what they think they are worth. If they were successful, they will still likely hold onto their money and obsess over what they are spending/ saving as they have an internal fear of having to go without. Keep the conversations positive around children and what their possibilities are. We want to teach them the reality of life, but we also want to shelter them from it too and not create limitations in areas we can avoid.

• Love and affection

The way we show love and affection to our children and spouses really sets them up for the way they are going to form relationships themselves. If we are constantly showing love and affection, that behaviour will become “normal” to them, and they will often replicate this in their own relationships as they are growing up. Be kind to those around you, speak with good manners and be polite. Think about how you would want your child to be and model that behaviour yourself.

• We can or we Can’t….

Do you find yourself swaying towards the ideas that you can, or you can’t? I have always had the attitude that I can do anything I set my mind to and have achieved so much in my life because of it. When I look back my parents would always support me in my wild decisions, even if they were probably rolling their eye’s thinking I am being ridiculous at the time, they never said you can’t or you won’t be able to do that.

Think about whether you are encouraging your children to have a can-do attitude or are you questioning whether things can be achieved and constantly saying you “can’t do that”. Of course, we need to set realistic expectations but having an attitude that allows us to strive for what we want is always going to be more likely to get us there.

When I was pregnant with my Twins all I seemed to hear was “you won’t be able to do this, you won’t be able to do that” and it was a real eye opener to me how many people have the view that they “can’t” rather than they “Can”; After all, when people put their views upon you, it’s a direct reflection of what they think they are capable of, not a reflection on you and your capabilities. I am extremely conscious with my children and making sure I encourage them that they can do anything (within reason- of course) and not reflect my own limitations onto them.  

• Are you happy?

I’m not sure what the equivalent is of the phrase “happy wife, happy life” with regards to parents but I’m sure there would be one. When we are happy, driven and feel like we have purpose, we are MUCH better parents. I have experienced this myself. My children are often a complete replica of my emotions / mood and seem to reflect exactly how I am feeling in their behaviour. It is hard to prioritise yourself when you are a parent, but try to do things you love, follow your passions, take time for yourself, and spend time with your children feeling positive and energised. They are going to be so much happier for it themselves. Investing in yourself to be the best version of yourself is the best thing you can do for your children.

Conclusion

We have complete control over what we are instilling into your children, so think about how you want them to think and behave and start to think and behave like that yourself. This is the best way for them to learn those behaviours and live a successful life. If you think you are really struggling with some of the areas covered, it may be time to start shifting your own mindset. Not only will it create a happier life for you, but it will create more growth and opportunity for your children too.

If you’re ready to invest in yourself and be the best version of YOU, it’s the perfect time to take action. My program “The mindful working parent” is out very soon, so please reach out for more information on how I can help to transform your life.

Self Image isn’t just about Physical appearance, think about how confident you are in yourself? Do you feel positive, capable and determined in life? Cultivating a positive self image can make or break you as a woman, so what can we do to improve it?

1. Practice self-care: As a mother, it’s easy to put your own needs last, but taking care of yourself is essential for your physical and emotional well-being. Make time to do things that you love! Whether that’s reading a book, seeing friends, going to the Gym, make sure you carve some time out each week for YOU! Trying to be as healthy as you can also really helps to boost your self image, eating well, getting enough sleep, and doing some exercise is great for your mental health. It’s taken me 3 years post twins to really start putting this into practice- it can take time, I get it, but I cannot tell you how much better I feel only a couple of months into doing more exercise and taking some more time for me. Not only am I exercising when I walk by the ocean 1-2 days a week, just being close to the water and watching the world go by is one of my favourite things. I feel so rejuvenated every time I do it.

• Celebrate your successes: Being a mother seems to come with a lot of expectations and we rarely get praised for the amount we do. When you do something you’re proud of no matter how big or small, take a moment to acknowledge it and celebrate the wins. Maybe you managed cook a meal that all your children ate, or you handled a situation without screaming and loosing it- these are all wins, so give yourself credit for your accomplishments. If you manage to do something amazing for a few weeks in a row- book yourself in for a massage to celebrate. Treat yourself because you deserve it!

• Connect with other mums: Motherhood can be lonely at times. When times are tough, you can feel like you’re the only one going through it, and I can tell you right now that is absolutely not true. Reach out to other Mums, create a community, and have a good network around you. When I had my first daughter my mothers group was the best. Whenever there was a new milestone or she all of a sudden stopped sleeping, I would message the group and there were always others going through the exact same thing at the exact same time. It was so comforting to know that I wasn’t alone and that my baby was just going through a “normal” developmental stage and this wasn’t now my life. Having a good support network and getting out with other mums is so good for your self-image and building up your confidence. Surrounding yourself with others can really uplift your overall mood and give you a sense of belonging (which is the most desired human behaviour).

• Set boundaries: I love this one. If any of you read my work regularly, you will know I am a bit of an advocate for gender equality and using this to help your own self-image is essential. As a mother, it’s easy to feel like you have to do everything for everyone. However, setting boundaries can help you feel more in control and reduce feelings of overwhelm. Assign your partner tasks, ask them to give the children breakfast while you get ready or do the school drop off one day. It’s so important to have the confidence to use your voice and say what you need to best help you. Tell your employer what you need to create balance and what you need to thrive in your career and at home.  If you don’t ask you don’t get- a wonderful phrase my parents taught me. Make a life that works for you, say no if you don’t want to go out on Saturday night, work out what your priorities are and set limits on where you want to spend your time and with who. Setting boundaries at home is the number 1. Not only will this make your life a lot better, it’ll benefit your entire family.  

• Focus on your strengths: Every mother has strengths and talents that make her unique. Instead of comparing yourself to other mothers or focusing on your weaknesses, make an effort to focus on your strengths. What are you good at as a mother? What do your children appreciate about you? What else are you good at? Being a mother shouldn’t define us. Many of us have incredible careers, are great friends and a great partner, so be kind to yourself and be proud of who you are and what you do. Focusing on these positive aspects can help you feel like you have more purpose and really boost your confidence and self-image.

• Practice gratitude: Despite all the stress our children can cause us, they also bring us so much love and joy. Try to focus on that as much as you can, don’t sweat the small stuff and allow yourself to let things go once in a while. It is THAT bad that there’s food on the floor? Not really, remain calm and be grateful that they ate the other half of their breakfast. At the end of each day and every morning, reflect on what you are grateful for and keep that positive energy with you throughout the day. Take the time throughout the day to practice gratitude, maybe it’s a hug from your child, a beautiful sunset or that you have a supportive partner. Try to think of 10 things every day that you are grateful for.

Remember, being a mother is a journey, and it’s okay to have good days and bad days. Getting your mind focused on the positives aspects in life and practicing the areas I have just outlined, will increase your self-image and make you feel like a much more confident, fulfilled and happy mother.  

Please visit my website www.workhardparenthard.com.au to learn more about how I can help you to increase your self image and confidence.

Here are my top 10 tips to help you find harmony in your life and overcome the struggles most women face when they return to work.

1. Find your purpose.

When we are a working mother it’s natural to feel that pull between our career and raising our children. Find out what really drives you. Do something that you are passionate about, that you enjoy. Going to work should be inspiring and motivating, so focus on what that looks like for you and follow your passions. When we love what we do, it increases our energy, our happiness and believe me, you will be a much better mum at home.

• Define your priorities.

It’s really important to define your priorities. What matters most to you? Is it spending quality time with your family, pursuing your career goals, or finding time for self-care? Once you’ve identified your priorities, it’s easier to make decisions that align with your values and what you want/ need in your life to make you happy.

• Set boundaries.

Try to be realistic about what you can and cannot commit to, both at work and at home. Don’t be afraid to say no to commitments that don’t align with your priorities, and don’t be shy about delegating tasks to others. Make sure you delegate at home, and be clear about what you’re able to do at work.

• Practice self-care

Self-care is essential to maintaining balance as a working mother. Take time for yourself every day, even if it’s just 15 minutes to read a book or take a relaxing bath. Prioritizing self-care will help you feel refreshed and energized. Try and get a good amount of sleep (easier said than done at times I know) and try to eat well and do some exercise. Again write down what you want and need to make you feel good and make it happen as frequently as possible.

• Delegate tasks.

It’s so important to share responsibilities. Whether it’s your partner, a family member, or a trusted caregiver, having help with childcare and household tasks can take the pressure off and free up some valuable time for you. When we are working out what your priorities are, if cleaning the house isn’t in there- get a cleaner. Do what you can to take some of the load off yourself and delegate tasks where possible.

• Get organised.

Staying organised is key to managing a busy schedule. Make a to-do list, prioritise tasks, and try to stay on top of your responsibilities. Get what you can ready the night before, work out tasks with your partner so you know who is doing what when, so your mornings run smoothly. Keep a calendar so you know what is coming up each week. Write down 6 things every day that you want to achieve at the start of each day to help to keep you focused and on track.

• Communicate with your employer.

Don’t be afraid to communicate with your employer about your needs as a working mum and what you need to make it work. Many employers are open to flexible work arrangements that can help you find that elusive work-life balance. If you can’t attend that 8am meeting because you’re supposed to be doing school drop off- don’t be afraid to say so.

• Let go of guilt.

You feel guilty when you’re working and not with your children, you feel guilty when you’re with your children and not working- it’s so hard to get it right. Find what works for you that allows you to comfortably have the best of both worlds. Maybe that’s working Part Time or finishing earlier a couple of days. Everyone is different and you have to find what works for you in order to eliminate the guilt. Don’t forget that your mental health is equally as important as your children. So, if working makes you happy- don’t feel guilty about it. You’ll be a much better mother if you’re happy and fulfilled.

• Find support.

Support is essential for working mothers. Connect with other working mothers, whether it’s through a networking group or online forum (join my programs and you will be in the best network ever). Having a support network can help you feel less alone in your struggles. Everyone experiences similar struggles trying to balance working and motherhood so be open and talk to others that are feeling the same way.

1. Be present.

Finally, it’s important to be present in the moment. When you’re at work, focus on your work. When you’re with your family, be present with them. Being present can help you feel more fulfilled in both your personal and professional life. When you get home from work, try to leave your phone and computer out of the way so you’re just focusing on your children- things can always wait an hour or so and that time is valuable for both you and your children.

It’s never easy trying to fit in all the different aspects of life when you’re working and have children, but it is possible, and you can have it all if you’re smart about it. Find what works for you and be confident in communicating that to the relevant people. This is your life, and you are responsible for how you want to live it. If you want some hot tips- you can download my daily success guide to help to implement some new habits every day.

If you have the right mindset and you have the right approach to it, you can absolutely balance being a parent and have a career successfully. There are a few elements that must be in place in order to really make it work.

Here’s some points to help get you started!

1.Set clear work boundaries: One of the biggest challenges of balancing parenthood and a career is ensuring that your work life doesn’t interfere with your family life, and vice versa. When you are returning to work after having children, sit down with the appropriate person and set out some clear work Boundaries. Flexibility is Key when you have a family, who’s doing drop offs/ pick ups/ making dinner etc. You need to think about what will work for you and speak to your workplace. Hopefully they will be fully supportive of your flexible requirements, and if they aren’t, send them my way- they clearly need to change their mindset!

2. Get organised: Have you ever met a more organised person than a working mother? I think not. Sorry Dads, but it is true. Being organised is really the key to survival as a working parent. Without it, you will end up in a heap on the floor completely overwhelmed. Make to do lists- personal and professional every day and tick things off as they are completed. Have a place for all your appointments that is easy to access, and prepare what you can the night before. There is nothing worse than realising your daughter’s uniform needs a wash and she has school in 45 minutes… plan ahead and be organised! Work out with your other half who is responsible for what so you know what you need to stay on top of.

3. Prioritise your tasks: Following on from being a super organised parent, you need to then prioritise what is most important. Work out what is most urgent and make sure those tasks are completed first. If you have to leave cereal all over your kitchen floor after breakfast to get out of the house on time for an important meeting then so be it- it’s not a priority at that time, getting out the house is. (I just hope your OCD doesn’t eat you up all day knowing the mess that awaits you like it does to me). Thinking about what the number 1 thing is to achieve in that moment is not easy. It takes a bit of agility and adaptation in the moment which can take a bit of practice but is a habit that can be relearnt.

4. Build a support system: No one can do it all alone, and this is especially true for parents who are juggling careers and wanting a happy home life. Work for a company that supports you as a parent, that fosters real flexibility so you don’t feel terrible leaving early or coming in late if you’re doing the school drop offs. Surround yourself with positive, supportive friends and family that will offer help and practical support when you need it. And make sure you have a great partner and are a great support to your other half. Look out for each other, take on that task that is usually your partners when they are having a bad day and could use some downtime. A bit of emotional intelligence will go a very long way. Communicate if you want/ need something else from your partner, sometimes we are non the wiser until someone points out the obvious.  

5. Take care of yourself: The point that most parents really struggle with- I know I do, but it’s my mission for this year to reconcile. Taking care of ourselves is so important. If you are going to be successful and avoid being burnt out, stressed out, and a big hot mess- take some time out for you. Make time to exercise, try and get enough sleep (easier said than done, I know), eat well, manage your stress levels and socialise. Sometimes a glass of wine with a good friend is the most restorative thing you can do. A happy, healthy parent is the best thing you can give your children, so looking after yourself is absolutely essential.

Balancing parenthood and your career is not easy, but with the right approach, it can be done. By setting clear boundaries, prioritising your tasks, getting organised, building a support system, and taking care of yourself, you’ll be feeling like a superhero and so proud of yourself. Take a moment to think about all the incredible things you manage to accomplish every day across your personal and professional life and BE PROUD, you have totally got this!